A few years back I wrote a "50 things I've learned in 50 years" email and sent it out to all of my email friends. Seemingly well received, I have thought of it over the past few years and realized how some of it was quickly "dated" and other simply, well, general knowledge (as in---duh!)
So with the quickening pace of our lives and the connections made via social networks, etc, I thought I would have another go at it and even "push" the learning to include the extra "one more" to my 59 years and round my "learning's" off to 60.
(with a small disclaimer----some are my ideas, others acknowledged quotes. Some repeated metaphor and other plain old cliche---simply learned or reminded of again. My apology where needed....)
1. "I've always wanted to be somebody, but I see now that I should have been more specific" (Lily Tomlin)
2. In every business there is that one person who instinctively "gets it" and knows exactly how to make that specific business run smoothly and successfully. This person MUST BE fired.
3. Every line you stand in then becomes the longest.
4. There are certain days when you are invisible. Cars pull out in front of you, people cut in front of you in line and others ask questions and then ignore your response. Accept it, have fun with it and your day will be better for it.
5. You MUST decide at some point if what you are doing is a "hobby" or a "business" and proceed accordingly.
6. No matter how much fun YOU are having, the Beverly Hills Police department does not see the humor of you skinny dipping in the city fountain....and it does not matter one bit if your swimming "companion" is a Los Angeles Rams cheerleader.
7. "I don't like money much, but it calms my nerves." (boxer Joe Louis)
8. Women believe that all men are psychic.
9. Nobody is "normal."
10. If there are truly UFOs out there that have traveled from far off distant galaxies with their obviously superior intelligence to see what WE are up to, I can guarantee you that they do not need running lights on their space craft.
11. It is not where you live or what you've got but who you are that's important.
12. Dogs never lie about love.
13. "Eating food before going shopping for groceries helps prevent you from purchasing unnecessary items. This theory DOES NOT work with alcohol" (comedian Gallager)
14. Time does not heal ALL wounds.
15. You never know the amount of time you have with any friend and the length of time simply does not matter. Some are with you your whole life and others gone in minutes. Cherish them all.
16. In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.
17.There is no such thing as "Fettucini Alfredo" in Italy.
18. A crazy person without money is just "crazy." A crazy person who is wealthy is "eccentric."
19. In one way or another everyone lies.
20. In most cases nothing is as bad as you allow yourself to imagine it to be.
21. For some people, no matter what you do, it is never enough.
22. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are actually telling you that they have no sense of humor whatsoever.
23. Patience is one of the greatest teachers.
24. "The hottest fire burns down to smoke and ash" (Joni Mitchell)
25. Play a round of "white shorts" (naked)golf with your buddies on the back 9 of the Death Valley golf course (called "white shorts" because after a few days in the desert sun and from a distance, it appears that you have white shorts on, when you actually have nothing on)and anyone seeing you will laugh it off as "guy stuff." Do this alone and they'll think "perve" and probably have you arrested.
26. A person that is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person.
27. The differences between men and women can sometimes be summed up by simply changing a few words of a phrase. For example----when telling a story about doing some seemingly crazy "guy thing" (like using a canoe to go down a ski run at night)most women would react with "WHY would you do such a thing?" Whereas most men would say "WHEN can I do such a thing?"
28. No matter what you are told by the latest expert concerning health issues---diet, disease control, medicine, treatments, etc---1 to 2 years from now the information will be proven false---and then THAT will be proven false---and so on and so on.
29. All religions are basically the same----and feel that the others are wrong.
30. Everything in life is a choice.
31. Letting things go in your life brings new things to you.
32. There IS a very defined difference between a "hassle" and a "f#ck up." Brother in law Frank was always apologizing for being such a "f#ck up." Brother Dave would say, "You're not a f#ckup Frank, but you can be a hassle." Frank finally asked, "What's the difference?" Dave gave it some thought and replied, "Let's say you're in your car. It's a hot summer day. You're late for an appointment. Your AC does not work and you are stuck in a long line of traffic because up ahead, a car is on fire on the side of the road---that's a 'hassle'." Frank nodded his head and said, "OK, and what's a 'f#ckup'?" Dave said, "Your car is the one that's on fire."
33. There is no book or information available to help you deal with a girlfriend who, over dinner in a fine restaurant, loudly announces that she is, in fact, an entity from another universe. (I did try to "diffuse" the situation a bit by saying that I didn't care if she was an alien from another planet. Was she enjoying her dinner? She angrily glared at me and said, "I'm NOT one of those crazy people that thinks they are some kind of alien creature from another world----I SAID I WAS AN ENTITY FROM ANOTHER UNIVERSE! oh, OK----check please!)
33. Everyone, at some point, has not been able to resist name dropping. (I LOVE this famous old quote---"At lunch the other day, I overheard the Queen remarking how she dreaded meeting with the Pope because all he ever wants to talk about it Pete and Paul.")
34. "I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes." (my buddy Leigh)
35. There will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now when the Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms in the Middle East will be bitter enemies. (Leigh)
36. The U.S. Constitution states that you are innocent until proven guilty. UNLESS you fit the "profile", "scenario", "type", or "image." Then you are SCREWED!
37. What makes complete sense one day will not the next. Accept this and your life will be easier.
38. The true gift of becoming a "celebrity" is not the fame and fortune. It is that it allows you to say and do things that no ordinary person could ever imagine doing and/or being allowed to do with out being arrested or ridiculed. It is the true "magic wand." This perception would warp anyone.
39. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust but it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
40. No one knows the joy when you create. It is your own special thrill.
41. When, in life, you are given the "green light"----GO!
42. The kindness, compassion and understanding of friends is the greatest gift you will ever receive.
43. Metaphorically---every once and a while you have to let the badger (wild thing) out of the cage.
44. "Fortune favors the bold" (Vergil)
45. No matter what happens, someone will take it too seriously.
46. Beware of the smiling man during a fight.
47. Hand signals in one country are NOT the same in another. Such as---a "thumbs up" here is basically "sit and spin on it" elsewhere. Be careful out there!
48. Explaining why you do things the way you do to someone else is a huge waste of time.
49. Your friends love you anyway.
50. Shut up and go with it. (Learned in Italy when a little old lady came up to me at a train station and rattled off question after question to me --in rapid Italian---obviously about the train schedule and ????? I nodded, agreed in my limited Italian, smiled, patted her on the shoulder when she said "gracie" and we both went on our way. She was happy, I was happy and all was well.)
51. In China, it is the year 4708. Think about THAT the next time the "Mayan Calendar/2012" conversation pops up. I'm sure the Chinese were rolling around in laughter on the ground when we "Western Civilization" folks were getting all wound up about the change of the millennia.
52. Magic happens.
53. Every amazing new diet out there adds one very simple "and" to the diet plan. It is ALWAYS there and is the key to losing weight no matter WHAT different food you eat----"AND make sure you add some daily exercise to your diet." EVERY change to your metabolism will, over a 2 week period, make you lose weight while your body adjusts to the new "program." Mix that in with some new exercise to "ramp up" your calorie burning and, OH MY GOD, I've lost some weight!
54. You CAN do it! It is all up to you.
55. There is no "failure"---every attempt or experiment provides an answer. Consider the Duckbilled Platypus----a mistake or??????
56. Being weird isn't enough.
57. You cannot possibly "jinx" an event by watching it or not. NO ONE has that kind of power.
58. The 1000+ "friends" you have on Facebook are not your friends. Want to know how many friends you have? Tell them you're moving and need some help. (Jimmy Fallon)
59. The media IS in charge!
60. "and in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make"(Paul McCartney)
