Like a mist or fog that slowly arrives overnight, my depression would sneak in and "cloak" my thoughts and general life,
I thought to write this after seeing a FB post by a mutual friend about people known or close who had been dealing with the same issue.
Though the trauma and drama of my move away from my island life of 21 years in Maui could be seen as the start of my struggles, the reality was, once I gave it some disengaged thought, was that it all started to accumulate 6 years or so ago. The economy started to collapsed due to the mortgage and bank crisis. This soon trickled down to the "snow birds" and visiting tourists to Hawaii that USED to be relied on to provide a boost after the "Holiday" seasons. They simply were not coming in any more or, if they did, were holding onto their funds and NOT adding to their "arts" collection.
No need, really, to delve into or further explain the finances "dance" of living in a location that survives on the tourist dollar. It is all a fragile game that, when the balance tilts, can become a losing one.
Mix that in with personal struggles in trying to keep a dog healthy and happy AND keep a self employed business rolling AND keep a relationship partner "calm" made for a spiral of intrigue and exhaustion and struggle that, before I realized it, spun me down into a negative "vision."
Moving to the mainland after 21 years in Hawaii seemed like a great way to escape the struggles of keeping a business a float in tough times, but it soon proved to be more of a battle than I knew how to handle. Moving--and with an epileptic 12 year old, dearly beloved dog---AND starting to work for someone for the first time in over 30 years---AND dealing with cold weather and an odd living arrangement for the first 3 months, set up a slide down the "slippery slope."Without my realizing what had happened, I soon found myself living in a strange town, in a new rented house, in the cold and rainy winter, without a companion/dog (who had died) and working for a family owned (neurotic!!) business that treated me poorly. Yeah----things got "dark."
I felt I could roll along and deal with it all but soon realized that my usual "disengage" system in my head from my previous life----sun/sand/walks at sunset/great local food--music------was no longer there.
The odd feeling of being consumed by the "fog" of depression was soon accepted as my daily existence.Though I had glimmers of hope during days of sunshine or work in the garden, I did not realize that I was very slowly slipping down into accepting a daily dark life. I found solace in my ability to design and create my jewelry. And was boosted by the minimal sales to select "patrons" who either SAW what I was doing or understood the "struggling artist" aspect and were willing to help.
It has now been 3 years since my move and through assorted personal research, reading, consulting, and, basically, pushing ahead, I am now feeling very positive and feeling that the "dark cloak" has, at least, become "wearable." Thankfully, throughout all of this, I have been able to create. Though, at times, it has been a complete struggle to even sit down at my workbench and TRY to make something that will thrill me and keep me going, I have been able to do just that.
The feeling is an odd one. Feeling the "shade" start to come down and close off my thoughts and enjoyment of life's simple pleasures, has been hard to "catch" and realize it was happening. A song or a movie scene or a beautiful vision along life's road could touch me----but then turn into darkness. Simply picking up and reading a book or magazine became a frustrating battle of "I'm not interested"
As mentioned in a recent FB post by friend Barry Hayden---I know there are many out there who have struggled with their own personal battles of the same kind. Some have even "given up" and decided it was all not worth the battle. I am also aware that "depression" has become one of those media created buzzwords to grab our interest and feed out fears. I have always tried to stay away from what we are all being fed by the media, but must admit that I have no other explanation for what has been consuming me. Depression sums it up.......
Through change of diet and positive thinking and yoga and meditation, I have found my way clear. Not totally, and, I truly think that a "dark side" of our personalities is a good things to accept and understand. Just-------letting it control you is where the problem comes in.
If you are struggling----I understand. Study, research, find what are possibly your own person demons in this. Deal with it and try different ways to FIND your way and keep on. I will tell you this------THIS side of the struggle feels pretty darned good.
